Once a couple receives the wonderful news that they are going to be parents, all they are concerned with is the arrival of the baby. They spend time together but not really with each other. During this whole time they are bonding but it’s all about the baby.
This is great for the baby because when it arrives, it will feel that bond the parents have created. Together they make plans for their future as a family, choose the baby’s name, pick the nursery colors, clothes, baby furniture, etc. They do everything in their powers to be ready for the baby’s arrival.
They even take courses on how to take care of a baby, breastfeeding, etc. All of this is wonderful because it also makes it a good pregnancy, there isn’t any additional stress added on. Then the baby arrives and for the first few months they have to adjust to the new addition to the family. By the third month, they now have a good schedule going and have completely bonded with the baby. They can pretty much handle just about any situation that comes up, except one, their own personal relationship. For one year it has been all about the baby and they have put their personal relationship on hold. This is why many couples, especially men, fear having a child and sometimes refuse to have one.
They feel that somewhere along the line, they will be forgotten and pushed aside and the only one receiving attention will be the baby. Well, it may sound selfish to many but it is true in many cases. There are some couples that get back on saddle and have no problems being intimate. The women feel more confident and less inhibited after the experience of having a baby. They feel no physical pain or problems. However, this is not the same for all women. After the pregnancy, some women don’t feel attractive and fear intimacy. They are concerned about feeling pain, alienating their partners if they are seen naked. They are also exhausted; their hormones are still a little off balance and stressed. In some cases, they suffer from post partum depression.
Now, many believe that men don’t suffer from anything during this time. All they are ever blamed for is how they are not attracted to their wives and freaked out by the whole childbirth experience. Well it’s true but only a few, the percentage is very low. What people don’t seem to realize is that the men also go through a lot during this time. There are some men, just as women, that find it hard to be intimate again. Now this isn’t done out of meanness or selfish reasons. See, no one seems to remember that they too get up for those mid morning feedings; they are stressed and are truly concerned about hurting their partner. To them, she seems a bit more fragile after everything she went through, especially the childbirth. Another thing very few people are aware of is they also can suffer from post partum depression.
Now this problem can become very serious and hurt the relationship. Even if no one ones to admit it, it can lead to divorce. Now the divorce is not due to lack of love but instead it is due to lack of communication. Time goes by and neither of the two ever talk about the problem, instead they just seem to hide behind the baby. Now think of this, you have been intimate with each other, have shared so much, have made a baby, why can’t you be open and honest with them? What has changed? Only difference in the relationship is that you both now have an equal responsibility to raise a child nothing else. You are still the same two people that you were before the baby was born.
As parents you have probably excelled, you have given the baby love, reassurance, comfort, and affection, all they need. Now it’s time to do that for each other. It is recommended that during the pregnancy the couple take time for themselves. They should have a night out, a nice dinner, maybe a little dancing (if possible) a movie, just time to be with each other and that the talk between each other should be about themselves, their love, their hopes and plans. Once the baby is born, as hard as it may be, after about eight weeks or so, the couple should plan a night out, just the two of them. It’s true; it will be hard because no one wants to leave the baby anywhere. But most likely the grandparents have offered to look after the baby so that the two of you can go out. Take advantage of this offer, give yourselves a treat. Rekindle the romance, you should reward yourselves. Why not? What is so bad about having one night out, just the two of you? You have both been through so much and deserve it.
If the situation is very serious and communication, spending time with each other does not work, then you should seek professional help. Again, this is nothing to be ashamed of, it is normal for many couples. You may think that if the relationship ends you have nothing to lose but you really do. It would be truly a disappointment to you one day when you realize that the separation between the two of you was avoidable and you did nothing to prevent it.
Think of this way, why have regrets? Why spend your life wondering what if? Take action, communicate, spend time together and seek counseling. You will thank yourselves for this and so will your child. Remember, children do feel the tension between parents. If you don’t want to try for yourselves, then why not do it for the children?