Today, you will rarely find stay at home parents. Most households, both parents are working and of course, if it is a single parent household, they don’t have much choice but to work. When this is going on, it is very hectic for both the parents and the children. In talking with many friends, youI hear it all the time.
They get up early, get the children up, make lunch, get them to the bus stop or drive them to school. If the child is in elementary school, they have made arrangements for an after school program until one of the parents can pick them up after work.
If the child is in middle school or senior high, they have after school activities; go to their friend’s house. In some cases, they have to take care for a younger sibling. Those in senior high at times have part time jobs so they go to work straight from school. Whatever the case is, as parents we are not always there. Some parents feel guilty but they shouldn’t. What choice do they have, they must provide for their families. With everyone’s crazy schedules, hectic life, communication is lost. The one time the families actually had the time to talk was during dinner and even that is sometimes not done anymore.
Due to this, at times parents miss out on a lot of important events in their children’s lives. You still know about some of the basics, what’s going on in school, maybe what is happening between the children but what about their personal lives? We believe that as a child or teen, you just don’t have much to worry about, life can’t be that bad, real problems can’t exist. It’s just not true. They have so much on them, grades, college, friends, social groups, being accepted. When they are going through all of this is when they are most vulnerable to make a mistake due to peer pressure.
To prevent this, you need to open lines of communications with your children as they start growing up. They need to know that no matter what you are there for them and ready to help them with anything. You have to be ready to answer any and all questions no matter how uncomfortable they may be. The most important thing of all, remember these are not just children, they are young adults. Talk to them as though they are adults, it makes them feel important and sure of themselves.
PARENTS
Children know you're their parents and are there for them but at times all they hear is how they are reprimanded, told what to do, basically they feel you just don't listen to them at all. It is up to you to show them it’s not true. Show them they are loved, wanted, that what you do is for them, the family. Explain to them what it means to be a parent. show them they do mean the world to you. When we are tired at times, we just don't think of what we are saying. Before uttering one word in anger, calm down and think of what you are going to say. Make sure you never mention the words regret towards them, don't say negative comments of how you feel because of them.
The negative comments they hear actually affect them in a way you may not understand. They will feel unwanted, useless and become angry with you. They will pull away and will not tell you any of their problems since they already feel like a burden. Parents are humans and with all that you have going on, things you don’t mean can slip out in a moment of anger or frustration. Should this happen, quickly fix the problem, it’s easy. Apologize to your child; let them know you were wrong and that what you said were empty words. When you do this, a child feels will remember that you too can make mistakes, that we are all human. By doing this it also shows them that you are approachable and willing to listen, just like they did for you.
FRIENDSHIP
Not only are you their parent but you can be their friend too. Find out what your children like to listen to, watch and read. Ask questions, show interest. This helps you understand them so much more. You will see it’s not that different from when you were growing up. Listen to them when they express themselves. They will realize that they do matter and you do care. This is important; you are creating a special bond with them. See, the more you listen and get to know them, the more they trust you and will be willing to talk to you about anything. They don’t want to lose this special bond that you have created. Next thing you know, you start listening to their music, watching their favorite shows and reading some of their books. You will be that cool parent children love to talk about, the envy of the crowd.
HONESTY
Growing up means changes, they become more curious, more aware of their surroundings. When they get into elementary school close to entering middle school, they learn from some of their friends about relationships. The most worrisome part of this is that they did not learn the correct information. Yes, it is hard to sit there with your daughter or son and explain the real facts of life. It is actually quite uncomfortable for both but very necessary and important. When explaining the facts of life, be completely honest. Maybe have some type of reading material that can help you with explaining these facts to them. In the past, parents would tell a young girl that a kiss would get them pregnant. Well after they kissed they figured the deed was done, so they would go further and at times run away with the boy. All of this could have been prevented, just by telling them the truth.
Children not only want to learn about the facts of life but there is the curiosity of smoking, drugs, etc. All this information should come from you but not in a threatening way, it should be informative. When explaining all of this to them, talk to them with facts, not fiction. Don’t say things that aren’t true, such as if you smoke, no one will like you. They know very well there are those that smoke and in a group. If you drink you could go blind. They are not dumb, they are curious. Show them and tell them only facts. Give them reading material, watch programs about these subjects.
FAMILY TIME
Find things to do together as a family. First of all, don’t miss dinner,make it part of every night. Whether you cook at home or bring take out. You should all sit at the dinner table. Take this time to eat together, find out how their day went, what is new in school and in their lives. This is a time to share with them. One or two nights a week, plan something special. Maybe a game night, many families own a video game of some kind. Maybe something you can all play, board games, movie night. Make sure that whatever you do that night everyone had a vote. It is family night after all. This is something that everyone will look forward to and create an even stronger family bond. You will all feel closer to each other; it’s your special time.
SCHOOL
Be more interested in their schooling. Some children need a push into making sure they do their homework, so definitely check every day that it is done. Be ready to sit down with them and help them with their homework or go over it with them. Find out what is happening at school, any problems, events, programs. Maybe there is an afterschool activity they would like to participate in, it could be a sport, play, choir, band, etc. Find out about their teachers, especially if they express that they are having some problems with a teacher. Go to the school, meet with their teachers and take the time to talk to their teachers. Listen to your children when it comes to school, there is so much more than education going on at school. If there are school projects, help them out with it. One thing that is definitely not a good idea is to actually do their homework or projects for them. There are many parents that will sit in front of a computer and all their school work. Give them a hand but let them do all the work. This will give them the initiative to look for the information, strive to learn more. Remember, they need to do things on their own, one day they will leave home and have to survive on their own.
CRUSHES
This is definitely a big one, when your child has a crush. The first boyfriend or girlfriend comes into the picture. The day they ask if they can go on a date, what do you say? What is the dating age, when is it okay for them to do this? Well, let’s ask this question; were you honest with your child about everything? Do you trust them? Have they ever given you a reason to doubt them? It’s so hard to decide what to do, you want to believe in them but it’s hard to trust others. When they are in middle school they go out as a group. As long as a parent drops them off and picks them up, it’s fine. If you have a very honest and open line of communication with your child, they will do everything possible not to break it.
Make sure they tell you where they are going, what time and when they will be home. Of course, they must have a cell to contact you. Now don’t call them every 10 minutes that will only embarrass them and they will end up ignoring you.. The one on one dates will that is harder but at the age of 15 or 16 it can be allowed with restrictions. Of course you don’t call them restrictions so they don’t become angry. Ask them to meet the other child, be cool, don’t pick on them. Just get to know them and well a curfew is a must. As mentioned it’s hard but you knew this day would come. It’s all a matter of trust, communication and honesty.
Remember, these are young adults and deserve respect. Lying to them, making up stories to tell them because you are uncomfortable with the subject only insults their intelligence. They know it’s not true and will look for answers elsewhere. A child’s curiosity is very strong and can’t be shut down with just any tall tale. Only the truth will quench their thirst for knowledge. Being a parent is not an easy job, it’s harder than your 9 to 5 job. It takes so much more work and the compensation you receive depends on the outcome of the effort you put into it. You need to show them lots of love, understanding, honesty, friendship, respect, and trust. They must learn to respect you and you must learn to respect them.
Also, if you want them to hear your opinions, also listen to theirs. Don’t give out information based on what you want them to believe, make sure that everything you tell them, you can prove it. Saying “because I say so” does not work or “that’s the law in this house”, that works even less. Now we all know, the parents are the boss but to say “I’m the boss and that is the way things will be done”, yeah, that will not go far either. You will definitely have problems if you go this route and they will look at you as though you are a dictator.
Being honest with them and keeping open lines of communications does not mean letting them do whatever they want. There will be times you will have to put your foot down but you must do it wisely. When saying no, explain why, have facts, proofs, actual information that is understandable to them. This will help. It doesn’t mean they won’t get mad but they will understand and eventually realize you do it for their own good.
It may all seem like a lot of hard work but it will pay off. That loving relationship, created from honesty and trust will last forever. When your children have their own children, they will do the same. You will all get a long so much better and enjoy all your time together. Frustrations and hard times will be there at times but will be easily be pushed aside.